Sometimes I get a strange feeling that I'm not where I thought I was. I think that I'm in a manga world, or a Naruto world, or even a Japanese world. I hear voices outside my room and imagine them to be speaking Japanese. But if I listen too closely I hear Tamil. I look at the curtains and I know I am not at home. I take a deep breath and it doesn't clear my mind the way the air around my bed, my haven of peace, always does.
I keep replaying the words I read in Danny's email to me recently. This is an important time in my life when I must listen to my voice and my heart and my mind and find out what I really want to do for the rest of my life. Actually.. although he said that, now I don't think I need to figure out the rest of my life just yet. I cannot figure it out anyway, not even when I'm 66. But I *can* listen and see where my heart and mind lie. I feel like the 66-year-old Archana is laughing at her 20-year-old self and shouting, "You're wasting all your time thinking about what you want to do later! Just live, dammit! Life happens without your planning and calculating!"
I think the strangest thing about my situation here, and I knew this would be the case before I came, is that I'm studying so much Japanese while I'm in.. India. Wishing I were in Japan. Pretending like everything around me is actually Japanese. Wanting it to be so, wanting to learn Japanese so much. Why is that? Then I try to rationalize my desire by saying well I like lots of Japanese things: the culture (? do I even know about the culture?), the traditional style of art and design, the martial history (ninjas, samurai, martial arts). But I think the main thing I like is Japanese itself. It's a real challenge to learn such a different language. It's as different as one can get while staying in the same world. Chinese even more so, but Japanese came predominantly from Chinese anyway. And to be TRULY honest, the thing that draws me to Japanese is Kanji. Chinese characters. But I feel that Japan is far more accessible than China, even though it's Chinese that spurs my interest. To direct my interest even more in the Japanese direction, I have several friends who are into the culture and who have lived there.
But if I go to Japan, will people stare at me as they do here? Will they try to cheat me by charging more than they should as they do here? Will it be just as hard to make friends my own age there as it is here? I have to learn to survive. That's clear. Because as I'm not in India for study-abroad, it is loads more difficult to meet people and to make friends. I'm always under supervision, and I stay indoors most of the time. I know Tamil much better than I know any other foreign language, and yet here I am in my room upstairs, locked away and complaining that I have no friends here. Still, it is difficult because it isn't study abroad. And when I go to Japan, that will not be study abroad either. It will be work. Why don't I take my being in India as seriously as I take my potential being in Japan? Being in India is the present moment, Japan is nonexistent. Yume da.
So a potential plan may be.. to meet other students of Carnatic Music in Chennai. Join that Artists' Studio in Cholamandal or wherever and make artist friends. I'm really interested to see what kinds of artists exist here. I think most of them are probably pretty tame. I doubt I'll find any really passionate artists who break boundaries. I met the artist woman who lives downstairs, Uma, and saw some of her art. It's skilled and creative and beautiful but not that expressive. Flowers, pretty colors, etc. Then again, it's only what she chose to display. I haven't seen things that are not on display. Her small boy probably takes up most of her time and energy for being experimental and daring. I might take Yoga classes and meet people there but I doubt it.
So there are two, potentially three, plans of action. The plans will commence next week.
While I'm here, I want to make good use of time, mostly so that I don't feel like I'm wasting it. Whether or not anything gets accomplished remains to be seen. As far as singing goes, my original plan was to learn Kalpana as much as possible, but now I see that most of the krithis I know are useless. I should take advantage of having a teacher who can fill my repertoire with useful krithis and help me touch up the old ones a little bit. I don't have to take all the suggestions, but it would be nice to see what they are and why, and whether I can incorporate them. The problem with switching teachers and styles is integrating the old stuff into the new style. It's impossible to erase my memory of the songs as they are, but I just don't want to abandon them because I feel that they are from a time when I was taught improperly. I don't want to feel that they aren't up to par anymore. If that becomes the case, then I'll only perform the songs that my current teacher is teaching me. I'll ask her what she thinks about this.
Japanese is the next biggest thing on my plate. My goal originally was to reach intermediate level Japanese by the time I leave here. I'm at the end of the first basic level book, studying te forms, trying to understand how polite forms and plain forms resemble and don't resemble each other, and trying to understand which to use when. I have Alanna to help me with anything and everything. I want to write her a letter entirely in Japanese. Several, if I can. It's so much fun to learn this new language. I love the Kanji. The pictures are beautiful and poetic and challenging. And they give me a sense of antiquity and wisdom. I wonder if the English alphabet is boring to Chinese- and Japanese-speakers. English grammar would be challenging for them and perhaps some etymology would heighten their interest (they'd have to learn a little Latin and German). Anyway, I wonder how far I will get in my studies, but if I remain interested, I am confident that I'll go far.
Art. *Sigh* I always thought I could pursue art anywhere, but everywhere I go, I seem to have other things that get in the way. Just fifteen minutes a day. Daily. That's where I must begin. I can't make 24 amazing pieces in 6 months if I can't even muster up the good work ethic of drawing for fifteen minutes a day. Maybe I should make a schedule... if I have to do something at a certain time in the day I may be more likely to do it. And my assignment should change each day. I could draw things outside, draw things without my glasses, do blind contours (contour tracing), modified blind contours (contour drawing), foreshortened objects, different perspectives of the same object, different media, different formats (that may be later on when I feel that my sketchbook is exhausted), using my right hand instead of my left, using my toes instead of my hands, drawing people rushing about outside, drawing buildings, trees, different outdoor scenes, family members who want to pose or not...
Programming. I wanted to first work on my new site, with that mySQL and PHP thing that I started to write. It was going well.. then I lost broadband. Hmm. I'm inquiring online as to how I might go about getting it in our house here as well as pricing, reliability, etc. If I could get a broadband connection, I could start coding again. And I won't need to buy any programming guidebooks. Paying for computer stuff is all a joke. You can get the whole computer world for free. You just need a computer. And you just might be able to get one of those at a steal. Okay but I'd have to pay for the internet service. What are my goals in this domain, anyway? To set up my website finally, to get that registration code working for an online blog. To start writing my style editor finally! I think those are good enough goals to have. And I can really start thinking about them as useful tools. I wonder if Ian would help me out a bit. I need people to talk about my ideas to give me more ideas and to encourage me. Especially in this realm of programming that I'm finally just beginning to enjoy. I no longer need any real encouragement in art, music, or language learning.. I know what I have to do to make those work. I just help with those. But programming, I need a lot of support still. At least in the beginning.
Then there's Tai Chi. Since I had to stop taking lessons, I have been neglecting it for a while. It's difficult to get myself to do it without the classes. When I'm tired in class I don't quit, but on my own, I sometimes do. This past summer my desire to work harder and harder grew. I worked harder and harder everytime I practiced. Every class, I tried to work harder than the previous class. More and more, I ignored my own pain and did what I needed to do, what my master asked me to do. Told me to do. I think I may still need someone to tell me to do something in order for me to do it. I have to find it within myself. Naruto trained so hard because he wanted to be Hokage (highest ninja of the village). Rock Lee because he wanted to show that hardwork can surpass genius. Sasuke because he wanted to kill his brother (great role model he is, huh). Anyway, I need something like that to push me. So currently, my physical-mental goal is to be a mountaineer. Some day. I should maybe look it up, how to do it without any climbing gyms around for a long time. And maybe that isn't worth it as a goal... it's so expensive, for one. If you want to run, you just grab some shoes. To swim, you need a suit and goggles and maybe a cap (or just shave). To do gymnastics, you just need a soft enough floor. But to go bouldering, you need the shoes, the harness, the gloves, the mat (to catch your fall), and I don't know what else. Before mountaineering it was b-boying. Breakin. I just want to be agile and fast and powerful. I want to be like.. a ninja.. a gymnast.. an acrobat.. a dancer.. a trickster.. advanturous.. I want to conquer my fears and surpass my limits. This is a lifetime goal consisting of many aspects. I'm not going to quit now. No way. Not after everything I've done. And not while I still have this body.
Meditation and concentration are so hard for me. There's no point in forcing meditation. Either you have the desire to do it or you don't. Sometimes I do. Sometimes I do and just can't calm down. When I do have the desire, I always want the desire. I know it's a good desire. When I don't, I try to want it. But I know there is no point in wanting the desire. Discipline only comes from the desire itself. Or maybe... a schedule? Do I need to beat myself into shape at first before I start to love doing it of my own accord? Wasn't that how it was with running? I did it once and loved the feeling afterwards. Then I told myself I had to run daily, but I wouldn't do it because I was lazy or undisciplined. But ignoring that laziness, I made myself do it. And while running, I could take my mind off the running itself and enjoy the scenery, the weather, and (back when I used a walkman) the music. Counting my breaths helped me through moments when I felt like I couldn't continue. Tai Chi is different in that I can't take my mind off what I'm doing. I must try to focus on building energy in the dan tian (hara).
I just watched Spirited Away again. Every time I watch it I notice new things. Totemo utsukushii eiga da. Itsumo mitai. And after seeing it I want to reexperience it. How does one think of a story like that one? It so often strikes me as a perfect children's fairytale. Everything about it is told from the standpoint of Chihiro. And yet, because it is so imaginative and captivating, I am drawn to it... and reminded of my childhood dreams and nightmares. It reminds me of what it's like to think and feel like a child. I want to see it again right now, but I know it's just not enough to see it. I want to live in that world. Why is it that anime always has the ability to do that to me? I get lost for a few hours in some other made up place. What an occupation for how I feel right now in this god-forsaken place. A perfect escape. And frightfully addictive. I wish I, too, could write imaginative children's stories like that one! Totally imaginative and magical and, like a dream, sometimes bizarre.
Yasser Arafat is dead.
I wonder how anyone can sleep here. It sounds like bombs are dropping outside. Same thing last night. Since it's Diwali, the whole town has gone out to purchase the loudest and most obnoxious firecrackers they could find. My heart aches now especially because I'd rather not exist in this boring, annoying world. Dreams are so much better! None of this reality is real anyway. For me. I don't have to agree to exist in it.
Hey it's already November 12th. Whoopee. The days just keep going and going, one at a time. Guhuh.. I keep counting the days. It's so tempting to count them. 30-12 = 18. 18 days left of November. That's all. Then 31 days of December. And 31 for January, only 28 for February, and again 31 for March. *Sigh* And then finally 26 days of April before I leave. Why are there so many days? Only 4 more days until Kalyanraman uncle comes back. And only 13 days before Alanna gets here. Then we travel.. yay! And then Eli gets here in 20 days. And then the December season concerts begin with delicious food. And then Dad comes in January. 18+36=54. 54 days until Dad gets here. Fifty-four! That feels like such a long time! But with Dad here, I think January will fly by quickly. Then comes February, March, and April, an eighty-five-day span of time in which I will have no visitors. Yet. Sigh.
But in all this time I want to get good at Kalpana. I want to have no fear of just picking a ragam and a beginning swaram and singing until I finish an avarthanam.
The second of the three Kanchipuram saints got arrested.
The days are so long. There's nothing else to say. You know, it would be kind of fun to practice singing with another person who was at the same level as me. To meet up with that person for a few times a week and sing ragam and swaram back and forth with each other. My singing teacher, Geetha Rajshekar, doesn't have that many students.. I think only two or three others. I wonder if they're at my level. I wonder if I'll ever run into them. Maybe I'll meet someone at the sabhas if I go often enough? I've been trying to look online. I just started. I should google carnatic music students chennai, or carnatic singers chennai, or chennai carnatic troupe or something like that.
It's november 23, 2004 already. I say already with a bit of sarcasm, as if it's actually late in coming. And yet this whole month has gone by, one-sixth of my stay here is over, and I feel like I haven't come very far. It's no wonder since I still don't want to be here and am not happy with myself. I never want to practice singing. Here I am, for (at least on the surface) the sole purpose of singing, and I allot time for the task as if it were a chore. Or my most hated homework. (Only my most hated homework gets allotted to it the very last hours before I go to sleep.) Or the few minutes I have before I leave for class in the morning. (Like now.)
I've been wondering why I'm really studying Japanese. Is it only because I'm interested in learning a new language? Is it just a passing infatuation? But then why would I spend so much time studying it? I think I'm fascinated with how a culture changes from exposure to another culture. I wish I could visit Japan before World War 2, when it was still pure. It's also fascinating how the main language is still Japanese and most people don't know English, even after the US went in there for several years after WW2. I suppose the kind of change brought about after WW2 was mainly an economic boost with a high emphasis on electronics and mass manufacturing. They went so extreme in some ways but held fast to their language, Japanese. I wonder how and why. In all, Japan's recent history strikes me as sad and beautiful.
I have to go to class.
Today I did some interesting things in class while singing the Pantuvarali alapanai. I want to listen to it again because I'm so interested in what came out of my mouth. Most of it was spontaneous and encouraged by Geetha. Even if I'm out of tune, she says it's good, keep going. What great encouragement! (But this is local to kalpana. You have to let the ideas come. Songs, on the other hand, need a lot of swara-sthanam correction because there's only that, no kalpana.) I want to remember that, in case I ever become a teacher. She never really had a teacher. She taught herself mostly through listening, and then later on had D.K. Pattamal as her guru. So her way of teaching doesn't come from an example set by her teachers; it comes from an understanding of the learning process, an understanding that the only way to get anywhere is to practice, to do it, no matter how it sounds. To not be embarrassed, to not let anyone make you feel embarrassed. You're human, everyone is human; therefore, if someone can't accept your way of learning (and of making mistakes) that person automatically also cannot accept his own humanity. Anyway, that's a little over-dramatic, but that "someone" refers to me! I need to be able to accept my own way of learning, which isn't any defined or definable or definition-desiring way, but it's raw. It isn't pretty like the final product that you try to emulate. The process is tough and ugly. And to be there for yourself, watching yourself grow through that ugliness, that is a good way to befriend yourself. It would be a good way to befriend anyone, actually.
I'm learning so much by just doing. The way Geetha helps me rather than 'corrects' me is helping me be brave enough to help myself. To let mistakes slide so that ideas come. I tend to shirk and get scared when she corrects songs that I've learned a long time ago. But not all songs, as I've seen now, need correcting, at least not everywhere, which gives me hope and lets me relax a bit. It's not that I've been taught incorrectly, as I had previously thought, but that I've been taught in a very simplistic way. Her 'corrections' are actually embellishments. I should see them that way. They make my song better--if they help me understand the song better (which they often do).
Today I practiced for the first time singing very loudly, as loudly as I could, with great effort. It's just like drumming. If you practice drumming really loudly in the beginning, you can later on decrease force and control strength when necessary. But I'm going to practice singing not only loudly but with modulation. I want to go far. I think I can practice that way.
And same goes for Tai Chi. I have to work as hard as I can while I'm young, and keep getting stronger. Until I'm 35, I better be getting stronger. After that, I should stay that strong if not continue to get stronger.
I ought to meditate everyday for at least an hour. I have to. It won't be right in the beginning. But I have to find a way to meditate. I still haven't found any way that works for me. Okay. Enough talking.
Last night was Karthikeya. I donned a new salvar kameez and helped light up candles. I raced up to the roof to see the view and feel the night air of Chennai in November. I caught a glimpse of one firecracker spray a glittering flower-shape that drooped and died. I did a few cartwheels, both left- and sometimes right- handed. A little boy and his mother delighted in lighting a few fireworks that spewed sparks from a little cone. After the first one was done, the little boy giggled and kicked the cone off the rooftop. It began to drizzle and become windy. After the second, the pair rushed inside. I picked up the cone, lest he should kick it over the roof, and found a trash can inside.
After many namaskarams to various older people, I went inside to practice singing again. Sleep followed shortly and with much anticipation of the following morning.
I heard the first morning shuffle in the kitchen at it must have been five-something. I knew what I had to do that day, but rolled over a few times, my pelvis getting in the way. Laying on my back seemed to be the only comfortable position. I whisked the curtains open with one powerful tug, the morning light glowed dimly upon the neighboring white cement building. Okay, okay, I thought, I'll get up. I had a mind to sing that morning before my sojourn to the airport. I peeked out the door to see that people were alive and awake. Ah yes, the day had begun. Without thinking, I sat down to sing. I love to sing low notes, as low as I possibly can, because it soothes my body, like an internal massage. Today I could go almost an entire octave lower than the base shadjamam, an amazing discovery that warranted a clear recording, which I made immediately. Ate some organic cereal for breakfast. Continued singing. Taxi came. Went to the airport, singing in the car along the way. I asked the driver if he minded, he didn't seem to mind, anyway. I could see his fingers sometimes tap the steering wheel. My love is to sing as loudly as I can wherever I am. But if I did that, people would definitely stare. Haha. Maybe one day I'll try it out on the Chennai streets. See how far my voice can pierce.
I was looking for Alanna, but she found me, wearing that beautiful smile of hers and looking just as I always remembered. (Why would she have changed? But it's just strange to see someone you know well in a place that you don't know very well.) It's been a strange day since she arrived. In my excitement I think I must have been in a completely different mind-state. It all seems like a bit of a dream. After lunch, a bit of web-surfing and looking at LonelyPlanet's The Travel Book, we walked around Adyar for a little bit, along Sardar Patel Road, wandering into a few stores, among one of them a tailoring store for suits, Sellers. After much ado--choosing a fabric, a cut, and taking measurements--they demanded an advance payment of some Rs. 2000, which I thought ridiculous. Alanna didn't seem to mind, seemed willing to put that much money down and pay it up. In my mind, it didn't seem sound for many reasons. They were pushy as all get-out, demanding the payment and making a big noise. I said, no, we are not obliged to hand you a single rupee. Alanna didn't seem too sure what she wanted to do exactly, anyway, and I wasn't going to let her pay that much up so easily. I wonder if she might have done it had I not been there. She didn't have that much cash on her at the time, and I think that alone saved her. We promised them we would return before they closed.
We came home for a few minutes and talked about what kind of suits one could get here and how much to expect them to cost, then left for pattu class. I met a girl there, Padmavathi, and her sister Sri something. The former is taking lessons from Geetha through her trust as a scholarship student. We chatted a little about where each of us is from and how long we've been singing. I wonder if I'll see her again. Maybe I can start actually making friends at last. I should start soon, since I only have five months left. Geetha's almost done moving out of her nice house to the one next door. I think I must have sang nicely, because Padma commented that it was "breathtaking." What a compliment! Wow. I was trying to be modest, but I really don't know how. I just didn't quite believe her or know what to think. Now, however, I think it probably sounded good because I sang as loudly as I could and without any self-consciousness. If I messed up, I didn't even care, as I do when I'm performing for real. I think listening to great singers practice and make mistakes must be better than hearing them perform. I think I did some interesting things in class today, and I'm waiting for the filtering to be done so I can listen before I go to bed.
As soon as we came back home, we sat down for about five minutes before leaving with Mom to get my beautiful kutcheri gowns from Kasi Arcade off Mount Road. Alanna and I tried on a few other things. Poor Alanna! Nothing there that we looked at was her size. I think we just didn't look at the right things. Salvar kameezes would be better for her than those gagra-cholies that are meant for emaciated people. Anyway, Mom seemed to be too rushed and Alanna too tired to dig deeper for a more "fitting" option. As soon as we came home, Alanna hit the sack. I got busy working on converting and filtering the singing classes from the past few days. Dinner was absolutely fantastic dosai and kothamalli chutney and leftover urlai kirangu curry and leftover keerai and thayir. Oh it was sooo divine. Dosais made from idli mav are just as good if not crispier and more wholesome than orthodox dosais.
It was a lovely full-moon-lit walk from the apartment to the apartment.
I just listened to today's lesson. I didn't do as well as I felt when I did it. That's probably to be expected. At the time, it was revolutionary. Now it's old hat. *Sigh* I suppose I shall never be happy with something I do after it's already been experienced. It makes me feel silly about having felt so proud in telling my mom about it after class. Oh well. At least I'm getting better.
I don't feel like singing today. I don't know what it is. Today is my day off from class, so I should practice more than usual. But Alanna is here, and so I can't practice much at all. I'm just too tired most of the time. If I have to practice at the end of the day, that's it. I'm pooped.
In fact, I feel bored and sick of everything in general right now. I think it's because I'm so torn between worlds. I have my world in the US, where I study and meet people and think about things. But now I'm here, and only for a short while, and I don't really like this place so I don't think I would want to come back or visit ever. But while I'm here, it's useful to learn Tamil really well. I thought I was doing pretty well, until Alanna came over and now I'm confused and don't know how to speak. I'm too used to English, and I don't like that. I want to immerse myself in other languages completely. Well, she and Eli are only going to be here for a blink of an eye. Still! It's such a difference speaking to someone in English so much of my day. I'd really just rather not use English at all. I'd rather use any other language other than English, even if that means French or Japanese (if not Tamil).
But I'm writing and thinking in English right now. So it's useful to learn Tamil really well while I'm here, okay. But I don't think it's practical because I don't want to be here. I mean to say... there's nothing for me here. I am not that interested in being here and I don't plan on working or living here for an extended period of time. I don't know if I'll even ever come back for more singing lessons. Maybe I'm only saying this now because I'm a little over-protected by my grandparents and my parents. If I were here completely on my own, I might actually not be so afraid to call people and make friends. However... there are so many perks to having relatives. Hey, I was born into a really huge family. My grandmother has nine siblings, so I have tons of second cousins whose parents all know me but whom I don't know. There's no way I can't have family. Even if my parents and grandparents didn't overly protect me, I'd have eyes watching me all the time.
I suppose I might be a bit lonely if I didn't have family. But I have no idea about that, really, because they make themselves so damn present. I dunno. I can't be what they want me to be, I guess. I just don't care for the things that they care for, and because they don't understand me, I have no way of being myself around them. They don't really try to understand, either. They seem to have a strong attachment to their ingrained beliefs and customs and a fear of anything outside of that. What about me, though? I can't say I have any fear of anything outside my ingrained beliefs and customs. I think I've also seen many different kinds of beliefs and customs, which makes it easier for me to accept them and not have anything to fear. But do I fear their closed-mindedness? I don't fear it. It's just.. This is not reversible. Once you have gone past the rubicon, there's no going back, right? I can't just accept such a closed way of living for myself.
Hm.. how do I say this better? I have no problems with the way people want to live as long as they don't impose their ways on me. If I find myself in a culture where I have to change my ways to coexist peacefully... well... if it's just a backwards way of living that I have to change to.. there's a problem. I can't. Just. Become. *Sigh* Then why study Japanese? Or any language for that matter? Japan, especially, has these absurd gender roles and things, too... not as severe as India, perhaps. Am I just hopelessly American? Can I coexist peacefully only in the US (not even America)? Okay probably Canada, too. And most places in Europe.
Well what's the real issue here, anyway? Is it that I wouldn't be able to coexist peacefully with Indians or rather that I would be able to if I could live here the way I wanted to? I.e. without any sort of relatives. I'm sure I could mould for myself a way to live. Haha... I'm thinking about all the men that I've met in Chicago that I've really liked. There was Ben, who certainly isn't a "respectable" sort of fellow. And Rich, who lives in a pretty ghetto place. But to me, all that doesn't matter a whit. I think it makes for interesting conversation and experiences, to see a different world of people. I wouldn't care about that stuff here, either, if I didn't have relatives hanging around all the time, telling me who not to befriend. I wouldn't? Suggesting that I do? Unless? I feel like my label as "Brahmin" puts me in a strange position. I should just tell people I'm not Indian, I'm American, and my parents don't have a caste. Hahaha.. yeah, right. There is no such thing like that. Unless castes are mixing, that kind of thing doesn't exist. But they can tell what I am anyway from the way I speak. Sucks.
Well, I can just make it clear, hopefully, that I don't care either way. I don't get this cultural discrimination and people are all pretty much the same to me.. Or are they? Can people really all be the same to you if the surrounding culture doesn't see it that way? Do you have to sort of abide by the surrounding culture's social laws? Well that kid we met today, Nagaraj, calls himself a Tamilian, not any caste-label at all, and he says that signifies that he sees everyone as equal. And.. that's how it should be! I see it that way, too. My parents probably don't. Heh. Ugh. So silly, isn't it? I wish I could break down this wall, and all others like it everywhere in the world. Hah. Look how it backfired against the Brahmin population here! They claimed to be so high and mighty, the highest caste and everything, the only caste eligible to perform religious services and such.. and now they're the minority and lower castes are in charge of stores and most merchandise and services. Hence the reverse discrimination, hence the, "we're in charge now, and we're giving you back all the pain you caused us!" Same thing happening in the united states between blacks and whites. I wish I had a third example, because three is a nice round number (maybe triangular more than round), but I don't know enough about the world. Oh, I know! The discrimination against Jews, but most of them are wealthy now and very tightly-knit, making them look special and unique to non-Jews. I don't feel any reverse discrimination from them, but it's certainly interesting how elite they make themselves appear. Ah, that feels better. Yes, now that there are three examples, it's easier to see through this issue to the ridiculousness at its very pith. But now.. I have no thought in my mind except for this ridiculousness that turns everything that precedes it into a haze. Mmm.. haze.. nice soft feathery haze.. goodnight