It feels odd to write the date. I feel that something should be new. The only new thing is the feeling of it being 2005 now. I had been pretty sad for the last few days, everything about my mom and her parents annoyed me. They still do. I feel constantly threatened whenever they tell me something... eat this, do that, what did you sing today, did it go well, what did you do at the other apartment, we're going to this tonight you should come it will make everyone happy. I just wish they'd leave me alone.

I don't want to go to singing class tomorrow because I don't want to practice tonight. I am sick of it. I need a break, I think.

Why can't I always be in a good mood? Because I have trouble tolerating stupidity.

Moving right along... Today I had great fun at class. I came for the rehearsal of a boy who is giving his debut mridangam concert in a few weeks. I got such great singing practice and enjoyment simultaneously. I really love mridangam. I'll be taking lessons soon again. I can't wait to start.

Tonight I tried a new thing. Something inside me wanted to check my auras, the gravity... the space surrounding my physical body. I felt as if it was all a little unclear, that I couldn't feel that everything was okay, and in some areas I could feel tender blockages. In areas where I felt nothing, I assumed it was just numb because of a persistent blockage. The tender blockages felt mostly around my heart area and throat. I couldn't feel a great openness in the lower chakra regions and then found an actual physical sore spot in my right lower latissimus dorsii. I am not sure if that was related... actually I am sure it was related. I feel better when what I feel isn't so vague. I would rather feel that the blockage exists than just a vague nothing numbness.

La la la.. lots of things have been floating around in my head. Yesterday was a big singing practice day. I hung out at my teacher's house until about five practicing Hamsadwani. I can't believe I practiced only that for so long? Anyway then she came and we had class for an hour. Following class was a big rehearsal for Sumesh's mridangam arangetram. The violinist, ghatamist, kanjiraist, and Bakthavatsalam Sir were there. Maybe I should just call him Baktha Uncle because it's easier. It was a merry time. I recorded most of it just for posterity and for my own studies. I enjoyed it, but I was getting a headache toward the end because I hadn't eaten anything for five hours. But I've gone a lot longer than that without food, so maybe I was just tired. So I came home and unwound.

I haven't written a journal entry in here for a while because I've been writing in my sketchbook and letters to friends.

Deciding that yesterday was a good day, I spent the night pondering how to make today a good day, too. Then I got to thinking about where my interests stand in life and how much I want to pursue them. I came up with Japanese, Art, Music (Karnatic? or other?), Tai Chi, and mountaineering/biking.

But maybe I just haven't held it long enough to know if the pain really does go away after time.

This kind of suffering, though, is different from other kinds that I've felt while running or swimming or just existing. Usually pain goes away if you tough it out through the hardest part. It's hard for me to place the Tai Chi kind of pain. Is it just pain for pain's sake? Do you begin to love the pain? I mean why else would you keep doing it? It doesn't get any better, it just gets more delayed. Is Tai Chi sort of masochistic by nature? Or maybe I'm masochistic and Tai Chi is supposed to feel relaxing and easy. The fact that I'm focusing on the Pain rather than the building of energy is interesting because the latter is the real benefit of doing Tai Chi. But the former is the hindrance to the latter, I think. Perceptually, you have to defeat the pain in order to keep going. If you don't keep going, giving into the pain instead, you can't build as much energy. So maybe there's a point where you feel a lot of pain but you're not thinking about it because you're busy building energy, but you use the feeling of pain to keep track of how much energy you're building. Maybe pain is nothing but a heightened awareness of energy.

Yesterday at the gym (again!) I did mostly Tai Chi forms. I felt the chi drop down to the pelvic floor and fill the area below the tailbone. It's easier for me to focus on that lowest area of my body than it is to focus on the second chakra region. That's okay. The way I see it, if I can make the root chakra open, clear and strong, the second chakra will be easier to feel. I want to go on like that up and up, cleaning each one. Today I messed around with building energy in difficult ways. Mostly by standing with my legs apart and leaning in on one. I guess I feel sort of good about what I did today. In terms of really getting stronger, I didn't do very well. In class I can hold it a lot longer because I have no choice. I go on and on as long as Master Che makes me. I do not complain. On my own, when I feel pain I crumble. How silly! But that's not always true. There was a time last summer in my room when I did this for hours and hours and never complained about the pain. I saw it as an experiment. Hmm.

But I guess I shouldn't feel bad about it because I know that other students in the Tai Chi class don't put themselves through as much pain as Master Che does in class. Except for the fact that Jessica, the Tae Kwon Do Black Belt, never leaves that place so she's always subject to Master Che's torture. Man. That in itself makes me want to work harder. She makes me want to work harder. I can't let her steal the show. But I already know that she doesn't have the spiritual aim that I do. Or maybe she's frontin.. just playing as if she doesn't really like working so hard but actually does. Sometimes I feel like she's just doing it because Master Che has known her for many years and has a way with her. But how can anyone stick with something like this for so long if they didn't love it? Oh yes, I remember. She said she used to be really shy and couldn't stand up for herself, but after starting martial arts with Master Che she's completely changed for the better.

That's lovely. And similar to what happened to me. Tai Chi changed my mind and my goals for sure. I can't say that it's changed my life, but it's close. It's made a lot of my dreams come true. Oh yes, yesterday I also practiced that alternating leg extension thing. I'm getting faster and more efficient at it. I know I should probably do it slower to build more control, but it becomes an aerobic exercise when you go really fast, flying from side to side. I have to understand that the Tai Chi kind of pain is good pain so I shouldn't shy away from feeling it, shouldn't stop just because it hurts. There are such horrible kinds of pain out there in the world and I am complaining about THIS kind? This is the BEST kind! I should love it to pieces.

I wonder when if ever I'll be able to tell that yes I've definitely gotten stronger. In education theory we talk about transfer. But in my experience I've seen that you only get better at what you practice. Maybe I should take the 'only' out of there. So I hope that one day I'll be able to use things that I've learned in Tai Chi to successfully perform something new. But, at least from singing, I've learned that transfer doesn't really happen that simply. You still have to practice the new thing to get good at it. Oh yeah also today I practiced building energy in the lower regions first, then I tried moving it up to the heart region and then to the head. I have to say, I did a good job with this. It felt good. I did it very gradually and with a lot of care and attention. Then I came back down the same way from the head to the heart and back to home, leaving nothing behind.

I have to say it was kind of frightening at first, especially moving into the heart. I felt like the root energy was slowly feeding the heart, as if throwing more wood into a fire. It felt like cold burning. The head energy was fed by both the root and the heart, but mostly the root. It felt like a very fast computer whose vibrations you can barely feel. Small and very frequent. I would describe it as metal and air. Root energy for me feels like a big bucket of water sloshing around. Hey. That's interesting.. the five elements: fire, water, earth, metal, air. They're all captured by my descriptions of the three regions of the body.

Have I rambled on long enough? Is Tai Chi a way of escaping from the world? Hm. I should perhaps ponder that a while. In any case, though, that can't be a bad thing. I think I have a healthy relationship with Tai Chi. As healthy as it can be from a sick person. There are only a few things in life that are truly rewarding and make life special. Those few magical things always have a certain beautiful spark to them that makes our relationship healthy. I'm counting... I think today was the fourth day in a row of Tai Chi.

I've been thinking about perhaps teaching Tai Chi in the future. I'm not too keen on teaching Carnatic music, however, even though I'm here in India to learn it more deeply. I think something about this culture is revolting to me, pushing me away from wanting to associate with it even in terms of music. I am only singing because I like the process of learning. I love singing a line over and over again and feeling different each time. Tai Chi is different though. I want to be a grandmaster for sure. I have high ambitions with that.

This afternoon, tired from the sun beating down on me throughout morning and midday, I took a long nap, escaping into laziness and searching my mind for those things that want to come out.

While doing Tai Chi, I thought many times about staying with Master Che and learning from him intensely for as long as it takes. But it would probably end up being like this singing adventure. I thought I would be able to stay with my teacher and immerse myself in music nonstop. Alas. There are no real gurus left in the world. Oh pish posh. Maybe there just aren't any students. It would be nice to have a spiritual friend. I should probably refine my ways of searching for one. No, it isn't worth searching. Things that you need find you.